All is quiet...until football season

All is quiet in tenant land...so far. I'm sure that will change next week when I make a surprise visit to house #3 to see the yard demolished from lack of water.

We experience a high number of family visitors this time of year as it is football season. Mr. Landlord purchases season tickets to the university games every year, and football is a HUGE thing of importance in his family.

I am NOT a football fan. Could care less about the game. I'm pretty sure it contributed to the demise of more than one of my previous relationships, and I swore I would NEVER marry someone who enjoyed it. Alas, I caved to the charms, good looks, sweetness, kindness, and smartness of Mr. Landlord despite his love of this seemingly nonsensical game.

So now, every year, we have members of the big clan vying for weekend visits to get a free ticket and a place to stay. It seems that everyone enjoys coming for visits as they feel at home and get a good, homecooked meal. I hear from more than a few of the fam that they even sleep better in my house. I think this has to do with the fact that we turn the thermostat down to 66 every night...funny how that helps people burrow down into the covers and take a nice, long, deep sleep.

I am fine with folks coming, and even enjoy doting on fam members a bit, making sure they are comfortable and meeting most of their basic needs. However...it is work...a lot of work. You gotta clean before they come, and clean after they leave. As I said in an earlier post, I have begun to refuse to cook for everyone as most of them have horrible eating habits and don't like the healthy stuff I cook. It's also a lot of work to cook for a lot of people, especially when you have a 2yearold. After everyone is gone, I typically have to go through all the bathrooms and bedrooms, straighten everything, strip the beds, wash the sheets and towels, clean up the piles of papers and magazines in the living room, fold the blankets and return them to the back of the couches, take out the trash, clean the dishes, and replenish the pantry. This takes an entire day. And yes, I have a cleaning service...but feel guilty asking them to clean after extra people, and can't wait for them to come and clean up the mess.

So, as we approach the Labor Day weekend with the opening of football season, I will welcome those who come to visit, and pray that some will pick up after themselves.

Dogs and heat stroke and diarrhea

Hey! All you runners out there...those that run around lakes, parks, the hills, the neighborhood, wherever. Have you stopped to think about what your dog is going through as he runs along side you in the 95+ degree heat? AND your dog is all black??? AND his tongue is literally dragging the ground??? You assholes...all of you. You get a dog to run with thinking that you'll pick up some really cute bitch/ho/player and you have no intention of looking out for the welfare of your dog. Care for your dog by leaving him at home, or by cutting your fucking run short. Signs your dog is tired of the running/you shouldn't take your dog with you:

1. He's lagging behind you.
2. He's black and the sun is beating down on both of you.
3. His tongue is hanging out...not just in a regular pant, but in a fuckyouimgonnadieifyoudontstop pant.
4. He's a snackdog...you know, the ones my dog eats for a snack. The little puffballs are NOT made for running 5 miles...in the heat.
5. He stops to poop...and poops diarrhea. (This is a big one folks...what would you feel like if you were running with diarrhea?????)

I'm sure there are more, but I'm so angry about this I can't think straight. Those of us who really love our dogs know the limits and do what it takes to take care of our loved ones. Please do the same...it's never pleasant to come up on a pile of dog diarrhea that has been steaming in the 95+ heat.

BACON!!! The demise of my waistline...and heart health

Sue Doe expressed concern over my gastric health when she read in my last post that I can eat a pound of bacon after running. Indeed...I can...without throwing up. Love the stuff. It's probably one of the worst foods for you, and I'm not a really big pork fan. However, here in the southwest, bacon is a national pasttime for us and can be included in every single meal throughout the day. Not only can I eat it after running, but I can eat an entire package whenever...I have no shame nor do I have any self-control.

My stabyouinthebackmeanperson neighbor and I were walking one day last year and the smell of bacon cooking was wafting throughout the neighborhood. Scoffed she did at the fact that some folks still actually cook bacon in a frying pan rather than use the microwave stuff. I didn't have the heart, or guts depending on how you look at it, to tell her that I not only fry it up but am pretty anal about frying it up in my big ol' cast iron skillet. Did y'all know that you are not supposed to wash a cast iron skillet? Nope, no sirree...only pour kosher salt on it after it cools and scrub it with the salt and a paper towel. Now, doesn't that wet your appetite???

I've been tagged...

Sue Doe tagged me (see her blog...it's damn funny http://www.suedoenim.blogspot.com/ ), so here we go. Eight things you don't know...

1. I haven't voted in 10 years...It's kinda like the Southpark episode where you have to choose between a douche bag and a turd sandwich. I know...I know...it is truly unAmerican.

2. I have little tolerance for those who have little tolerance of others.

3. I can change the oil in my own car. I don't need a "Wednesday is Ladies Day" at the local Jiffy Lube.

4. I cry when I think of the disappearing, starving polar bears.

5. I love animals more than most people.

6. I run in the mornings...up and down hills...and then gorge on eggs and a pound of bacon.

7. I spend my money on others...I experience significant guilt if I spend it on myself.

8. I am proudest of being a mom...this is my greatest accomplishment in life.

Life in general...and Chuck Norris roundhouse kicks

The tenants in house #3 are PISSED OFF at Mr. Landlord and I for the grief we have caused them. So...now I'm feeling a little guilty. It's like weighing the good and the bad...they lied to us about several things and didn't follow the lease contract, yet they probably truely cannot afford to live where they are living. AND...they have a 6-year-old son. Mr. Attorney says if you follow the lease to the "T", you will always come out ahead and never be questioned in court. I believe this wholeheartedly. I feel bad for them, but at the end of the day it is OUR investment and I can't be responsible for their misfortunes.

On a brighter note, my favorite sister-in-law came to visit this past weekend. We had a great time. She is hilarious and a true pleasure for a houseguest. I always dread having houseguests because after they leave, my home looks like a tornado came through. Truely...people seem to forget how to pick up after themselves when they visit. I have magazines and newspapers everywhere, and I can't tell you how many times I will have cleaned the kitchen. I used to cook every meal when folks were visiting, but I quickly found out that my inlaws are VERY PICKY EATERS. I am a good cook...just plain and simple...a good cook. Really...but damn they are FREAKS when it comes to eating. So, I decided to forgo cooking and let everyone forage for themselves. Saves me time and money in wasted groceries. One time, two of my sisters-in-law were visiting and I cooked grilled chicken breast topped with spinach and pinenut pesto. One of them insisted that the pesto looked like ground up frog in a blender and refused to eat it. She's 48 years old...Another time I fixed sauteed salmon with a creamy dill and cucumber topping. The other sister-in-law ate one bite of the salmon and then turned it over, scraped all the grey part off the bottom, turned it over, took another bite, and then said she was full. Holy fuck...it's $45 salmon people!!!!!!! It's the best you can get here...it's dark and rich and flavorful. What the hell is wrong with you?????

However, my sister-in-law that just visited is game for anything...she even tried Thai food for the first time while she was here. What a trooper. This may not seem like a big deal to some, but believe, to my inlaw clan it is freakin' amazing. Then we spent about an hour and a half after the little dude went to bed laughing at Chuck Norris jokes. Pretty damn funny...here's the link...enjoy.

http://www.duckshit.com/chuck-norris-jokes/

man put toddler in hot dryer

What a fucker...how dare he put a small child in a hot dryer. These types of stories make me literally sick to my stomach. I never feel pain so deep until I read such stories. I feel the physical and mental pain of these poor children that are abused. I didn't even read the story...just the headline...that was enough to make me sink into bed for an hour and have a hard cry. Not for my pain, but for that of the child. I've seen and treated children who have been abused. There are no words to describe this. I was told early in my training that children are resilient. And...some of them are. It's amazing how children really do accomodate and assimilate what is dished out to them. However, they never forget. The abuse that is done is "hardwired" into their brains...not necessarily in visual images, but in the biochemistry that makes up their brains. The chemicals that help structure their brains early in life are impacted by such things as anxiety, fear, depression, worry, etc. etc...these emotional states are the result of chemical reactions in the brain. These chemical reactions influence the evolving and developing brain. A brain awash in anxiety and fear can be different (key word: can) from the brain awash in joy and laughter. Go figure, right? So, word to the wise...the children may "forget" but their brains do not. You WILL damage your child with abuse...those of you who do abuse, you know exactly what I'm talking about...You just don't have the balls to see it and face it.

Amen!

The tenants in house #3 called today...they are mailing all of the monies due today, as well as a postdated check for the September rent. Hmmmm...I say...seems they always had the money in the first place if they could come up with it before the end of the month. Thanks for the validation that my getmyattorneyonyourass approach worked, and for the validation that, indeed, you had been lying to me when you asked me to hold your checks for two weeks because you didn't have the money.

Please don't evict me!!!

So, the tenants in house #3 get the letter from the attorney indicating their 6 lease violations and how to remedy them or else get evicted. Ms. Tenant calls the attorney crying and pleading for more time. Hmmmm....let's see. She's already 20 days past due on the deposit, owes a returned check fee, and owes additional monies. She has until the end of the month to pay up, which I think is pretty damn generous. This is all really irritating. You see, Mr. Landlord and I provide really nice places to live, AND we ensure that any and all repairs are completed by the best workman we have. This not only protects the tenant, but it protects our investment. And this is key...it is an investment for us. Not a half-way house, not a stop-and-squat house, not a onceIgetinIllneverhavetopayanotherdime house. We hold up our end of the lease and we expect our tenants to do the same. Not my problem that you can't manage your life well enough to ensure you and your family have a roof over your head. You should have never signed the lease if you couldn't afford it!

House #1 is up for lease. This is absolutely our nicest house. In fact, we lived there before we moved into our current house. It is in a really nice neighborhood, has all new flooring throughout, new appliances, a washer and dryer, access to the community pool/tennis courts/playground, and new paint on the exterior and interior. The previous tenants did a fantastic job of keeping up the house. So much so, they received their ENTIRE deposit back. Mr. Landlord showed the house this past weekend to a family who seemed very interested. They took the application and said they would fax it in today. Well, I received a voice mail from the husband saying he and his wife had a few questions, and could we please email them. He also said that his wife wanted to know if we were going to repaint the inside of the house, and that if we didn't use email (hello? this statement baffles me....) that he would call back and we could "have a good conversation about the house." Oh fuck me...kiss my ass. The interior has paint that is 10 months old and looks, literally, brand new. It is in very nice, warm colors and we spent a few thousand for the paint job. Fuck off, asshole...it's a rent house...if your wife can't live with the paint then she probably can't live there period...You will likely piss me off some time during your lease and then I'll be the relentless landlord who becomes your biggest, most painful hemorrhoid.

Neighbors

I can see the homes across the cul-de-sac from the window in our water closet (yes, we have shutters to close so the entire neighborhood does not see us "do our business"). One of the homes has new occupants from a southern state. I have watched their progress in moving in over the last week, especially at night when Mom Nature calls. These folks are up at all hours of the night moving stuff and getting settled. I have yet to introduce myself, though have every intention of doing so when I get a free moment. It's important in this day and time to really, REALLY know your neighbors, whether you like them or not.

When we moved into our home, I was 5 months pregnant. Our home is situated on a small cul-de-sac with only three homes on it. So, it's really not like a cul-de-sac, but more like a huge circular drive. Both my neighbors came over to introduce themselves, and I'm thankful they did. Though no real friendships developed, I know enough about them and their children to keep an eye out for odd goings on and determine if anyone needs help. I also know enough to determine that there is a feud going on between the two households, and I certainly don't want to get in the middle of that. After these folks came to introduce themselves, we did not see hide nor hair of anyone else until my baby was 6 months old, at which time one of the mother's in the neighborhood walked over to invite my and my child to playgroup each week. We attended playgroup a few times, but found that most of the children were significantly older than my child. I also found that I just didn't really connect on a personal level with some of the moms. This was the beginning of my education about our neighbors. I found there is an air of entitlement to some of these moms, and that to sit around and bitch about your husband is the norm. I also found that there was much talk about whose house sold for what and whether the new neighbors would be worth getting to know. Ever present is the flash of new cars, big houses, interior decorating, the right clothes, hair salon, and makeup...but none of this is real. Not only is it bought on loan from the bank, but it also doesn't allow the true person to shine through.

I soon figured out our neighborhood was divided into three groups: those who keep to themselves, those who have been here since the neighborhood was developed (the old neighbors), and those that have recently moved in (the new neighbors). The old neighbors have this thing about keeping a tightly knit circle, and not really letting the "newbies" into the circle unless you pass certain criteria. We automatically have strikes against because we are psychologists, and NO ONE feels comfortable around psychologists. We are frequently asked if we are analyzing someone, to which we typically reply "no, not unless you're paying our hourly fee and sitting in our office." This throws people off and they seem to get offended. But seriously, it's like asking a gynecologist at a party to diagnose symptoms of an STD. So, we are shunned for that. The second strike we have is that Mr. Landlord has a collection of guns and bows and arrows he hunts with. Yes, they are kept in a rather large gun safe in the garage, but it is apparently attractive to the neighborhood boys. The boys next door found out what was in that safe and you could see their eyes literally light up. Their mother was horrified, and said so when I knocked on her door to explain all guns and the like were kept safely locked up and her boys would never have the pleasure of looking at them. Of couse, several weeks later I see her 13-year-old son going off into the greenbelt with a BB gun. Yet, we are shunned because my husband likes to hunt and maintains the appropriate mechanisms to engage in this hobby. Oh, and did I mention we live in a state where hunting is a HUGE activity???? We obviously have not figured out what the criteria is to be "allowed" into the clicque, however I am not sure I want to figure this out. Our exclusion tells us enough about the old neighbors. I have finally figured out I don't need any more external validation for my perception. Quite frankly, if often feels like I've never left high school...at what point do people actually grow up?

Now, having said all of this...I typically introduce myself to new neighbors and aprise them of the great things our neighborhood has to offer. We offer several yearly events including wine tastings, beer tastings and chili cookoffs, July 4th and Halloween parades, etc. etc. I also coordinate help for those neighbors who need the help. For example, of someone has surgery or has a new baby, I coordinate a group of people to take turns cooking for the family, making sure the kids get to and from school/activities, or just doing the family shopping. Many folks in our neighborhood do not have family nearby, and it is incredibly difficult here to find a nanny or babysitter that is worth their weight in gold. So, to have neighbors to help fill in when the time comes is so important.

I can only hope that my actions in our neighborhood help those who refuse to open their homes and hearts to new neighbors see that they are missing out on enriching and fulfilling experiences, and the chance to make some really great friends. So, I will continue to watch the neighborhood from my water closet window and learn everyday about human nature and the importance of good neighbors.

Holy Crap...

what an idiot...there are no other words

http://www.people.com/people/article/0,,20051402,00.html

What? You can't pay your rent????

Well, the tenants in house #3 wrote a hot check for their third deposit payment. Because coming up with the first month's rent and a deposit at the same time can be a bit daunting, Mr. Landlord and I let folks pay out their deposit. When I phoned the tenants to say their check bounced, they let me know the fridge was out and that their two twenty-something daughters had moved into the house to "stay for just a few months because their landlord sold the house they were living in right from under them without telling them...they have no where to go, so we said they could stay here until they get back on their feet." Hmmmm.....page 7, section F, subsection 2...no visitors longer than 7 days without written permission from the landlord.
AND, they could not cover their hot check until the 22nd of the month. Hmmmm....page 2, section A....nonpayment can result in eviction.

So, this house is about 1500 sq. ft. and now has four adults and one 6-year-old boy living in it. Let me start by saying that it is illegal where we live to sell a house without giving the current tenants at least 30 days notice, so they are...what is it called???? Ummm....hmmmm....LYING??? Goodness gracious folks...come up with something more original than that. Essentially, these girls were given proper notice by their landlord that the house was up for sale. I am sure the landlord showed the house to potential buyers. So, Mr. Landlord and I are being asked to accomodate someone's ineptness at taking care of their own business and themselves. Folks, had I wanted to be accomodating to these issues, I would have entered a contractual agreement to be someone's PARENT not their landlord. However, given that I did not give birth to these girls, I don't feel a need to accomodate their stupidity.

Now the issue of the money...or lack thereof. Ms. Tenant pleaded and begged to be allowed to stay in the house, saying if we could just give them one more month to get their lives straight, we would not be sorry. As Sue Do says, Holy Crap-dee-doodle. Ms. Tenant also said that she made one of the girls get rid of her precious dog, because Ms. Tenant respected me as the owner and the contracted lease we all signed. Yep...that's right...went over to the house and knocked on the door. Oh my goodness, what on earth did I hear when I knocked on the door??? Yip, yip, yap, yap....what? Could that be the bark of a dog??? So, now we are on violation three of the lease contract.

You guessed it...emailed Mr. Attorney who agreed to send Mr. and Ms. Tenant a letter advising them to get the girls out, pay their debts, get rid of the dog, or risk eviction. Mr. Landlord does not agree with this approach and says to evict them. However, given there is a 6-year-old boy involved, I am willing to stick out for another 30 days...knowing full well that we will be evicting them in September.

Can someone please tell me why people get themselves in such a state of affairs? I mean really...I told Mr. Landlord two weeks ago that these folks could not afford to live in the house and sure enough...they can't. Why oh why do people think they can just pull money out of their asses to pay their bills? Why do they underestimate the legality of the lease contract that they signed??? Please inform me and educate me...

The first official post

Well, here it is. With the encouragement of others I am opening a blog to relieve the tension and stress associated with being a landlord, psychologist, and full-time mom. Hopefully some of you will find these postings amusing and sometimes even thought provoking. However, I must warn all of you tenants out there....I will, without a shadow of a doubt, piss you off at some time or another. Tenants have given me much fodder for a blog and I am sure you will continue to do this.


I welcome the comments...I am sure I will find some of you amusing and insightful. If you are a tenant, comment away! But remember, I've heard it all before. I am beginning to become quite the ass of landlords....I am forever indebted to my real estate attorney for helping me develop this asshole characteristic, and I think some of you have paid his bills!