Ya, I'm calling about the house you have for rent...

{ring} ME: Hello?
CALLER: Um, ya....I was calling about the house you have for rent?
ME: Yes...How can I help you?
CALLER: Well, um...let's see...is it still available?
ME: Yes, it is. What kind of questions do you have?
CALLER: Well, how big is it?
ME: As the ad says, it is 4 bedroom/2 bath/2 car garage...about 2000 square feet.
CALLER: Um....Ummmmmm.....It's 4 bedroom?
ME: Yes, indeedeee....
CALLER: How much is the rent?
ME: As the ad says, the rent is $1600.
CALLER: Ummmm.....
ME: Like I said, it's 4/2/2, fenced in backyard with deck, hardwood and ceramic tiled floors, all new appliances, new countertops in kitchen, the owner maintains the yard, you have access to a community pool/playground/tennis courts, the elementary school is 1 mile away, grocery store is 1.5 miles away, the deposit is one month's rent and can be paid out over two months, the pet deposit is $500 - 1/2 of which is nonrefundable. There is an HOA so you will be required to abide by all HOA rules and regulations. The interior is painted in warm, neutral colors. There is a large kitchen with an island and separate breakfast area. It also comes with a washer and dryer. What else do you need to know?
CALLER: Ummm.....
ME: Let me know if you can think of anything else. Thanks for calling. {click}

and so it goes....

Help for tenants...

Following are some guidelines for tenants, to ensure that they 1) will enjoy a positive relationship with their landlord, 2) get repairs performed in a timely manner and 3) get their deposit back.

1. Read the lease...in detail. Understand it. It is a legal, binding contract.
2. Abide by the lease...to the "t".
3. Report repairs in a timely manner...the longer you wait, the more damage is done. This will be legally interpreted as your neglect, not the landlords and therefore you will be responsible for the repair bill.
4. Don't attempt repairs on your own. If the repair is of poor quality, you will be responsible for the entire repair to fix what you have done and what the original problem was.
5. Clean up after your pets. Just one pee spot in the carpet can cost you your entire deposit and more.
6. If you have the carpets cleaned, they will look great initially after the cleaning. However, stains don't go away. They "wick" back up into the carpet from the pad, and the stain reappears. Just FYI...
7. The landlord has the legal right to access the property at any time...ANY TIME. It is the landlords property.
8. ANY violation of a lease can result in eviction...ANY.
9. The landlord has to abide by the property codes written and enforced by the state. The property codes protect you, so know them. (They also protect the landlord.)
10. There is typically a Tenants Council in your city or state. Call the Tenants Council, which is a government agency which provides information regarding property codes, etc. if you have questions about what is happening. They can provide you resources.
11. Landords have the ability to provide a negative report for your credit report. This will seriously hurt your chances of renting a nice place later as well as buying your own place.
12. If the property looks unkempt, it means the landlord doesn't invest time or money in the property. Don't rent it.
13. Legally in some states, landlords only have to repair items that pose a serious health risk to you. READ: Be respectful of the landlord and the property, and your more likely to get your repairs completed.
14. If you rent a property that is in HOA territory, abide by the HOA rules. HOAs will impose fines for rule violations, which you will have to pay. If you violate the rules and don't pay the fines, you will be evicted. Also, too many HOA violations can result in eviction.
15. At the beginning of the lease, ask for an inventory checklist. This checklist lets you list, item by item, room by room anything...ANYTHING...that is wrong with the property. You and your landlord will then sign off on it once it is complete. If you get a checklist and are given a timeline to return it, abide by the timeline. If you don't return the checklist in time, then you can legally be held liable for anything that is wrong with the property when you move out - even if the damage was there before you moved in. Be sure to keep a copy of the SIGNED checklist.
16. When you move out, clean the property and then schedule a walk through with the landlord. Have your inventory checklist on hand to prove what damage you caused and what damage was there when you moved in. Don't return the key until this is completed and you and your landlord agree on the final walk through.
17. If you are evicted, you are still financially responsible for the remainder of the lease term...even if the landlord immediately re-rents the property after your belongings have been removed.
18. If you break the lease, you are still financially responsible for the remainder of the lease....
19. If you do not give proper move out notice, you forfeit your deposit.
20. If you get a pet and don't tell the landlord, the landlord can remove the pet from the premises within 24 hours of discovering the pet. The cost of removing and housing the pet, defleaing the premises, cleaning the premises of all pet related damage, etc. will be your responsibility. You can also be evicted for this if there is a no pets clause in your lease.

Just some info to help folks understand their responsibility when they lease a place to live. Know the lease and know your rights...you'll have a better experience.

Please don't evict me!!!

So, the tenants in house #3 get the letter from the attorney indicating their 6 lease violations and how to remedy them or else get evicted. Ms. Tenant calls the attorney crying and pleading for more time. Hmmmm....let's see. She's already 20 days past due on the deposit, owes a returned check fee, and owes additional monies. She has until the end of the month to pay up, which I think is pretty damn generous. This is all really irritating. You see, Mr. Landlord and I provide really nice places to live, AND we ensure that any and all repairs are completed by the best workman we have. This not only protects the tenant, but it protects our investment. And this is key...it is an investment for us. Not a half-way house, not a stop-and-squat house, not a onceIgetinIllneverhavetopayanotherdime house. We hold up our end of the lease and we expect our tenants to do the same. Not my problem that you can't manage your life well enough to ensure you and your family have a roof over your head. You should have never signed the lease if you couldn't afford it!

House #1 is up for lease. This is absolutely our nicest house. In fact, we lived there before we moved into our current house. It is in a really nice neighborhood, has all new flooring throughout, new appliances, a washer and dryer, access to the community pool/tennis courts/playground, and new paint on the exterior and interior. The previous tenants did a fantastic job of keeping up the house. So much so, they received their ENTIRE deposit back. Mr. Landlord showed the house this past weekend to a family who seemed very interested. They took the application and said they would fax it in today. Well, I received a voice mail from the husband saying he and his wife had a few questions, and could we please email them. He also said that his wife wanted to know if we were going to repaint the inside of the house, and that if we didn't use email (hello? this statement baffles me....) that he would call back and we could "have a good conversation about the house." Oh fuck me...kiss my ass. The interior has paint that is 10 months old and looks, literally, brand new. It is in very nice, warm colors and we spent a few thousand for the paint job. Fuck off, asshole...it's a rent house...if your wife can't live with the paint then she probably can't live there period...You will likely piss me off some time during your lease and then I'll be the relentless landlord who becomes your biggest, most painful hemorrhoid.

What? You can't pay your rent????

Well, the tenants in house #3 wrote a hot check for their third deposit payment. Because coming up with the first month's rent and a deposit at the same time can be a bit daunting, Mr. Landlord and I let folks pay out their deposit. When I phoned the tenants to say their check bounced, they let me know the fridge was out and that their two twenty-something daughters had moved into the house to "stay for just a few months because their landlord sold the house they were living in right from under them without telling them...they have no where to go, so we said they could stay here until they get back on their feet." Hmmmm.....page 7, section F, subsection 2...no visitors longer than 7 days without written permission from the landlord.
AND, they could not cover their hot check until the 22nd of the month. Hmmmm....page 2, section A....nonpayment can result in eviction.

So, this house is about 1500 sq. ft. and now has four adults and one 6-year-old boy living in it. Let me start by saying that it is illegal where we live to sell a house without giving the current tenants at least 30 days notice, so they are...what is it called???? Ummm....hmmmm....LYING??? Goodness gracious folks...come up with something more original than that. Essentially, these girls were given proper notice by their landlord that the house was up for sale. I am sure the landlord showed the house to potential buyers. So, Mr. Landlord and I are being asked to accomodate someone's ineptness at taking care of their own business and themselves. Folks, had I wanted to be accomodating to these issues, I would have entered a contractual agreement to be someone's PARENT not their landlord. However, given that I did not give birth to these girls, I don't feel a need to accomodate their stupidity.

Now the issue of the money...or lack thereof. Ms. Tenant pleaded and begged to be allowed to stay in the house, saying if we could just give them one more month to get their lives straight, we would not be sorry. As Sue Do says, Holy Crap-dee-doodle. Ms. Tenant also said that she made one of the girls get rid of her precious dog, because Ms. Tenant respected me as the owner and the contracted lease we all signed. Yep...that's right...went over to the house and knocked on the door. Oh my goodness, what on earth did I hear when I knocked on the door??? Yip, yip, yap, yap....what? Could that be the bark of a dog??? So, now we are on violation three of the lease contract.

You guessed it...emailed Mr. Attorney who agreed to send Mr. and Ms. Tenant a letter advising them to get the girls out, pay their debts, get rid of the dog, or risk eviction. Mr. Landlord does not agree with this approach and says to evict them. However, given there is a 6-year-old boy involved, I am willing to stick out for another 30 days...knowing full well that we will be evicting them in September.

Can someone please tell me why people get themselves in such a state of affairs? I mean really...I told Mr. Landlord two weeks ago that these folks could not afford to live in the house and sure enough...they can't. Why oh why do people think they can just pull money out of their asses to pay their bills? Why do they underestimate the legality of the lease contract that they signed??? Please inform me and educate me...

The first official post

Well, here it is. With the encouragement of others I am opening a blog to relieve the tension and stress associated with being a landlord, psychologist, and full-time mom. Hopefully some of you will find these postings amusing and sometimes even thought provoking. However, I must warn all of you tenants out there....I will, without a shadow of a doubt, piss you off at some time or another. Tenants have given me much fodder for a blog and I am sure you will continue to do this.


I welcome the comments...I am sure I will find some of you amusing and insightful. If you are a tenant, comment away! But remember, I've heard it all before. I am beginning to become quite the ass of landlords....I am forever indebted to my real estate attorney for helping me develop this asshole characteristic, and I think some of you have paid his bills!