Welcome back...

We made it through the holidays...always an interesting time of year. And, the holiday lighting company FINALLY took down our outdoor decorations yesterday...January 20th. Almost one month after Christmas. Good Lord, people.

All is quiet in Landlord land....all three tenants are behaving nicely and only causing minimal disruption. For this, I am thankful...perhaps they intuitively knew that, after the last set of crazies, we needed some peace and quiet...Could be intuition or the "look, mother fuckers, don't fuck up my houses or you'll pay dearly" speech I gave them.

Mr. Landlord's mother and sister came for a visit last weekend. I have since closed the door to Hotel Landlord and sent an email to all of those interested parties looking for a place to crash that we no longer had any vacancies...and would not for a very long time. This was met with significant disbelief and hurt, but who the fuck cares. Why the strong reaction? Here it goes...

Mr. Landlord and I love coffee. We have owned this at $1900+ after taxes, the F7 at $1600+ after taxes, and currently own this at $1600+ after taxes. The DeLonghi is by far the best automatic coffee maker we have ever had. (For those who are interested, the Juras fall apart after 6 months of use...so much so Williams Sonoma will no longer take them back for a full refund after 6 months.) We LOVE this machine. Man, do we love it...

On Friday, Mr. Landlord and I had to be away for a few hours in the morning and left the household to my inlaws, who were also graciously caring for itty bitty landlord. My 82-year-old mother in law also likes her coffee, especially because she freezes her ass off in our house - despite the fact that fireplace is going full tilt and the heater is set at 74 - well above our 67. Neither of my inlaws have EVER seen an automatic coffee maker such as ours, but somehow figured they could "just figure it out." Fuck me running, people...did you click on the link above?....did you see all the buttons and shit that are on this machine?....Seriously....it took me about an hour to get the basics down. This is NOT your Mr. Coffee.

So, once we return to our beloved home, my mother in law casually says "I think Anne may have ruined your coffee maker. She put water in the coffee compartment. She couldn't get it to work after that." My response? A very cool, Oh SHIT. So, I get on the horn to Delonghi, who inform me that I need to turn the machine upside down and let it sit that way for two days to dry out. As I am on the phone with Delonghi, my sister in law is attempting to make a grilled cheese sandwich for my mother in law in my new $200 Viking nonstick saute pan. As I'm standing in the kitchen listening to the phone and watching her, she is spraying nonstick spray in my nonstick pan...FFFUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCKKKKK! So, I scream at her to put the pan down and she looks at me as if I've lost my mind...which, by this time, I pretty much have. My mother in law explains to her that you can't spray nonstick spray in a nonstick pan....Does this really need to be explained to anyone? Really?

It is Monday and I have since called Delonghi again as the coffee maker still doesn't work, which means I am shipping it off to California to one of the three designated Delonghi repair centers. Delonghi has also informed me that, due to user error, the three month old machine is no longer under warranty. No shit, sherlock...tell my fucking sister in law that, who by the way, can't afford to reimburse us for the coffee maker.

So, no more visitors. EVER. I don't have time to dick around with shipping my $1600 coffee maker to California, clean up after everyone, and keep my sanity. I also don't have another $1600 to spend on another coffee maker.

Let this be a lesson to you all: If you don't know how to use it, and it's not yours, don't fuck with it unless you can afford to pay for it.